Sunday, June 26, 2016

The Summer of Finding Myself

Hi everyone! It’s been a little while since I have written a blog. Honestly all my different types of social media have been pretty unstable since the start of the year. And it is time for me to come clean and explain what is going on with my running lately as I know people have been having questions on what I’m training for and if I am even training for anything.  I am here today to open myself up and let you know what has actually been going on with my running lately and where I’m at physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I’m going to just get the ball rolling by coming out and saying that I am currently dealing with anxiety in my running.  This anxiety was brought upon losing confidence in myself and my running.  The stress of following my own path in running to follow my passion for the long distances and having people constantly wish for me to fail made me doubt that I was actually cut out to run marathons.  I started losing my passion for my running and training quickly became something I had to do rather than something that I wanted to do.  With this anxiety came panic attacks during hard workouts where I felt like I couldn't breath, even though logically I knew my breathing wasn’t increasing, and all I could think of  is “I can’t do this”.  I eventually had enough of the stress and during last semester of school I took off an 8 week period of time and only ran when I felt like it in order to try to figure out what was going on with me and get myself into a better mental state.

Coming to the realization that my anxiety was caused by self doubt and loss of confidence wasn’t any easy one to accept.  It finally came to head this summer after many conversation with my parents.  I was in denial for the longest time subconsciously knowing the root cause of my anxiety but not wanting to admit it to myself or anyone else as then it becomes reality, I always responded in my default “I don’t know” when my parents would ask me questions to try to help me.  It was hard on them to keep seeing me falling down little by little until I pretty much hit rock bottom and just gave up on hard workouts for those 8 weeks.  Once summer started it was time to take a step back and figure out what I wanted in my life.  With the set back on my running I found myself in a tough financial situation when it came to paying for college and I ended up getting a full time job at a Early Childhood Development Center near my house and currently work 40 hour weeks to be able to pay for next year.  Once I got my job I quickly realized the position I had but myself in with me refusing to admit to anyone what was going on with my running.  It took a bunch of crying but once I finally admitted to my parents that I really did want to be a professional marathon runner but didn’t feel like I was good enough to accomplish that I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I felt so much lighter after that.

After that pivotal talk my parents and I got into making a plan to turn my dreams back into goals and figured out where I am and where I want to be.  This summer is all about finding myself again, physically and mentally. I definitely got really out of shape during that 8 week period of time and this summer is about gaining as much fitness as I can back before I start school again and trying to figure out how to deal with my anxiety.  We have broken the summer up into 3 different segments and instead of running races this summer at the end of each segment I am doing a half marathon time trial to be able to see the improvement in my fitness and to work on dealing with my anxiety before I run another race.  Since that talk I have completed my first of the 3 segments and last Sunday completed my first time trial.  I will admit that I had a panic attack before the time trail where I honestly didn’t want to even start it and kept thinking that I wasn’t ready for it and that I wouldn’t be able to follow the race plan my dad had given me.  I was panicking to the point that I was actually shaking the last half an hour before I started.  I was able to talk myself out of it and remind myself that this time trial was a fitness marker to see where I was, I had to remind myself that my dad would never give me a race plan that he didn’t believe 100% that I was able to accomplish.  Since my self confidence was still shot I ran that time trial based on the confidence I had in my dad, and I ended up coming out on top; of the 1 minute target zone my dad gave me I hit it right in the middle and that feeling after I finished was an amazing one.  I got the feeling of accomplishment back, the feeling you have after a race you're proud of, a feeling I hadn’t had in such a long time and that helped to make  that fire of my passion burn a little brighter.  After this summer of training and my time trials I plan on completing a fall marathon to get myself back to where I want to be, I’m not sure which marathon it’ll be or any other races I will do this fall but I know that I want to get back into racing.

Now I am nowhere near close to having my self confidence all the way back nor is my anxiety close to be completely gone but I am on the path of recovery and working hard at getting my fitness and mental aspect back to where it was when I qualified for the Olympic Trials as a 16 year old.  Anxiety is something that doesn’t go away in the blink of an eye, it takes a lot of time, effort, and support to get over, it’s a lot of arguing with myself and convincing myself that I CAN do this and that I AM good enough. The important part is I have come to accept the fact that I do have anxiety and that I had lost all confidence in myself and in my running.  I’m building myself back up and I have all the support of my family and friends behind me helping me on this hard journey.

By reevaluating everything I have also come to realize, with the help of my parents of course ;), that I have not utilized all my social media accounts and have kept all of my supporters in the dark of what has been happening in my running.  When you keep hearing the negativity of the loud minority it can be difficult to focus on the positivity of others who do support and believe in you.  That is something I want to work on fixing  so I have created a social media plan that I will be trying to implement this summer as well.  In the coming weekends I hope to be reconfiguring my website/blog and really start utilizing all my accounts such as Twitter, Facebook Athlete Page, Instagram, LinkedIn, and AthleteBiz.

I really want to thank all of you for all the support you have been giving me no matter what, words can’t describe how much I appreciate it.  I will be working on keeping everyone in the loop of the going on’s of Alana and learning to not shut everyone out when I struggle with my running.  Have an amazing summer, it’s flying by. :)

13 comments:

  1. Good luck! It takes a lot on mental strength to do what you are doing. I have every confidence that your best races are in your future not your past.

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  2. Wow, Alana! First of all, kudos for you for being so open/honest with yourself and with your supporters. Second, mental stuff is much more challenging to overcome than physical stuff, so once you conquer this (and you WILL conquer this) the achievement will be so much sweeter. I look forward to following your journey this summer and beyond.

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  3. Alana, I just started following you this winter during break when I was looking for some running inspiration. I can relate to on a deep level about how a running lull can feel! I just finished my freshman year at college running at the D 1 level; I'm a decent runner but nothing compared to the girls I race against. I found happiness in training with my team and competing, then enjoying the improvements in times but as summer started and I went back home I miss running with my teammates and have experienced the same lack of interest in running. It really almost feels like a depression. I feel slow and heavy and have started to dread runs because of these feelings. I also need to get back into shape for the next semester of competition. Unfortunately, I don't see cross country as my next competitive season due to the setbacks, but I can look towards track. I guess through this long post I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in with what you are feeling, and that I have confidence in your comeback! I will be following and supporting you in your ventures as I also try to overcome an inner beast. Best of luck and happy running!

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  4. I had no idea you struggled with any of this. I admire your courage and openness. It sounds like you have a great plan for this summer and I hope you know many (including myself) are rooting for you to succeed in every way possible! I'm looking forward to seeing your progress on social media. The world needs more honest, hard working, and inspiring young athletes like you. You can do it Alana!!

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  5. Wow. Incredible honesty. Thanks for posting. I think a lot of us have moments of uncertainty with our abilities. Stick to it. I'm so impressed by your talent!

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  6. Alana:
    I have watched you grow and mature since your middle school days and have always admired your strong faith and independence, let alone your blessed talent. Sometimes it takes going trough the muck of life to appreciate and get back to "the other side". You will make it and will be stronger than before. Check out the last 4 years of (now Olympian) Kassidy Cook......a very similar story. Hang in there kid!!

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  7. Take good care, Alana! You have plenty of times I get where you want ago. Wishing you safe and happy travels along your way :)

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  8. Thank you for your honest sharing of your experience, struggles and journey. That takes guts. You're probably helping people who you'll never even know you reached. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I can only begin to understand from my own challenges what yours might be like in your specific situations. I'm glad you have your parents and their foundation that's within you as well as their support now to help you chart your path forward. We all struggle - it's part of being human. Working daily on having the grace to be gentle with yourself and the grit to fight through the rough patches is something that will serve you well in all your life. I wish you the best.

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  9. A good high school friend, (sort of a closet girlfriend) also suffered from self-doubt and looking back, what could be described as anxiety attacks and like yourself, she was a teenage phenom. She was incredibly gifted, she only lost only one high school race in 4 year and many more accomplishments which I won’t go into so as not to give her name away. The self-doubt and anxiety attacks got so bad that in one of the biggest races of her career, she wanted to scratch from the event and she gave up on the last lap because she felt like someone was chocking her. She did finished the race, but slower than she had run in training runs. She knew she wasn’t actually tired because she felt no fatigue in her legs and after she crossed the finish line she felt as if she just finished an early morning mileage run. This had happened to her twice before, but she never talked about it because in those days we didn’t know what a panic attack was especially when it came to athletes. She said the more she raced, the better she got and the more she felt the weight of expectations. She had no outlet in life and nowhere to hide because running was all she did and everybody knew who she was. Sometimes for training, she would enter a local road race under a made up name because people expected her to set a record every time she raced. She eventually starting hating running. Away from the track she didn’t want to talk about running, she didn’t want to be around runners, if a track meet came on TV, she would leave the room and she didn’t even want non-running people to know she was a runner. Unfortunately at this stage in her life, she was trapped because she had to run for a living and she had a whole team of people who depended on her. Talking to her many years after she retired, she came to the realization that she absolutely loved running and wished she could do her career all over again, but take a break from running when she felt she needed it; talk to someone about her problems; not allow running to obsess and define her and not try to live up to everyone’s expectations. (You are not alone!) – Running is the greatest sport, but it can be a beast when things aren’t going well and you can’t succeed if you are not enjoying the ride. Good luck.

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  10. Alana, I just learned of you over the last year as I have gotten into following the distance running scene for inspiration while I was out on injury. I am so sorry that people choose to spread hate on the internet about a young runner pursuing her dreams. It has always shocked me to see what people have written about you, when I doubt they even know you personally. And I bet most of them can't qualify for the Olympic Trials Marathon. I can't even run one mile As fast as you have run 26.2! :) (yet;) Anywho, as a no-name runner who has struggled with bouts of anxiety, I admire your openness and desire to continue to set goals and work towards them. That in itself is something to be proud of. And training while working 40 hours a week?! Even more impressive. Wishing the best for you and your future and hoping the minority of immature people who choose to pick on a young woman grow up eventually. Until then, think of all the people who are rooting for you, many of whom you will never know or meet! :)

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  11. Although I was nowhere close to becoming pro, I also experienced panic attacks with running when I made the transition from high school to DIII college running. I didn't have a great coach encouraging me anymore and felt slow and fat compared to the rest of the girls and compared to how I felt in high school, and I guess that coupled with the added stress of trying to succeed in college and find a career sent me over the edge. I was also in denial and went four years trying to blame my hyperventilation on "asthma." I'm still embarrassed about how terrible my college running "career" was and admittedly still need to figure out how to deal with the toll it took on me and my identity as a runner. Seeing that you've had to struggle with anxiety in running, although obviously not cool for you, might be that little push I need to further explore my own issues.

    If I could say anything to help, I'd say Take advantage of this time to fall back on your support system, which sounds great, and let them take some of the stress for you. It sounds like your dad is particularly able to do this for you with times. and I'd suggest learning some ways to listen to the messages your body is sending you so you can respond to this signals before your panic attacks happen and prevent them from happening. For me, I've figured out (thanks to a therapist) this is a tightness in my chest and shoulders, and I close my eyes and literally talk to that tightness and try to figure out what it needs from me.

    Wishing the best for you.

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  12. Follow your dreams! Listen to the people who lift you up and ignore the noise!!!!

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  13. When I was young a similar thing happened to me and I quit the sport. I always regret quitting! Keep doing what you love,for reasons that are important to you. People who are judgmental are usually people with low self esteem that don't believe in themselves. We believe in you, but what matters most is that you believe in you. There was a quote by an olympian (Abby D) that I wish I had been able to embody as a younger version of myself "If you could give one piece of advice to any runner, what would it be and why?

    Be certain about your motivation, and be sure your voice and actions align with it. I find it so easy in such a performance-oriented sport (and culture) to start doing things from a place of fear or to fulfill expectations, and that can rob the sport of its joy. I've experienced my most challenging moments within this sport when, in retrospect, I was pursuing a goal, or team, or time for the wrong reasons and it paralyzed me. What's helped is remembering my "bottom line" -- why I run -- and being sure that shines thru in all I say and do." Anyway, sorry for rambling. Good luck with all that you do and have fun!

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